Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize