Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
