i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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