I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
