Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
