I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
