I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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