Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Go christen that room with your naked body.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
