John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you inspire me to be a worse person
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
