girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
