using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
