My friends, they love my intelligence
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
