I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
