god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
