I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
