I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
