being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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