a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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