My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
