Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just tell him i said nine months
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
