saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nicole vs. Life
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
