Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
