He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
