i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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