WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
