This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
