Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
