At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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