My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
