Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
