Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
