I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
