I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
