Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
