remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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