Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
