Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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