Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
