I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
