This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
