she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
