I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
