ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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