All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
