I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
