Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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