Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
