So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
