are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize