I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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