someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Randomize
