Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
