can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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