I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
