seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
