I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
