a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
