Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
