we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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