I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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