So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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