i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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